It is quite strange how life has to entangle itself in the darkest of shadows, amidst all that is despised, loved and drowned, how we have to loose freedom to understand our very nature. In freedom we are free but under repression we indispensably rearrange all that exists in our world, in its broken pieces we see the hint of light shimmering of the edge of that shattered phase. We hold on to that like our very last breath, in peace and repent.
It is quite strange.
I believed that independence leads to birth of humanity, a birth of possibilities. But no. It is the shackles that are bound to our un-evolved feet that fills our relentless brains with unimaginable dreams, reprising hopes and bickering strengths.
So, I guess when we think we have lost all control, then we really have it.
It is quite strange. Isn’t it?
The world seems to be very alien. Have you ever felt that? Difficult to describe, isn’t it? Like you are observing and instinctively investigating everything from a perspective much different than yours. It is a whole new world, within myself. Inquisitive. Very spiritual. Very personal.
This feeling, it knows me. The air I breathe. The life that I live. It makes me understand what humans really are, rather what I really am. It is like that other passenger which takes the journey and exists deep within. Within all the diseased layers of constructed conscience. It drives me to do things I do, things I think and things I believe in.
In moments when we create ourselves and world to create us in. I belong there.
walk, walk, walk,
walk where you walk,
for all that is done,
it has to stop.
run, run, run,
run when you run,
for all that is fun,
it has just begun.
dream, dream, dream,
dream what you dream,
for all that we see,
is this how we will be?
-Abhinav Kr. Anguria.
hate is hated,
love is loved,
but what if we waited,
to understand enough.
-Abhinav Kr. Anguria.
21st October 1989. A random date? Probably. It is the day this life was given to me. I sound melodramatic but aren’t we all. Drama is an extension deliberately clawed to our rather monotonous existence. Though in this post I will spare you the dramatic torture of words and skip to the eventful part of the story.
Yesterday was alleged celebration of my birth. Always a pain. Somehow bearable, this time. My social experiment displayed somewhat expected results. Satisfactory but partially troubling. I found contrast in outward projection of myself and also felt a weak light of hope dangling inside. I have yet to understand the social fabric that binds a human relationship. The ones that matter were left ignored. So, I need to let it all out, everything that is inside of my heart and mind. Desperately. To learn is to unlearn.
I am going to count my birthday as “Day zero”, for this is a new year and a new day for the rest of my life. So, fear and love, dreams and disasters, ocean and earth, life and dirt, everything shall finds its place in this very life. If the previous years were bearable then I shall bear them all.
I guess everyone needs to be alone to understand they really need.
P.S.: On an entirely different note, I am swiftly punching keys for this wor(l)dy expressions on my new all-so-awesome MacBook Pro! Finally, I have one. Thanks to my dad. Love him, not just for this but for everything.
Times when you think, breathe to understand more. Those are times I live every minute in. Life passes by like a dream and reality turns into illusions. We pick the strands that are left on the ground after the storm and search for the origin. The original path from where it all began. The complexities of the ordinary deciphers in a million ways. Boundaries between right and wrong disappear in the process. Are the questions wrong or the answer?
The more I think I am evolved the more I feel closer to the edge. Mind is dizzy with the flood of contingencies. It’s madness. I believe that existence has it’s meaning. It’s amazing how little it is asked of. Belongingness is not chased. I don’t understand how anyone can settle for something which doesn’t satisfies one’s existence. It nullifies the purpose of existence. Don’t you think?
Probably life is messed up on another level these days, it’s the future that is very uncertain. Decisions made can not be amended. I am writing my own destiny but I am lost. I don’t know what to say or what to be. I believe that all this is necessary. Necessary for me to reach where I belong. And the crazy part is that amidst this chaos, I am finding life. Life as it should be lived. I can feel that something big is coming my way. I can feel it inside me. Maybe I am just walking right now, maybe I will run in the crazy wind tomorrow. And this feeling that I have, this thought, I feel life inside me, after a long time. It makes me a little happy knowing what I know.
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